This is a year in which Fifty Shades of Grey came out, and yet, nothing from that trashbox Twilight fan-fiction movie makes it on this list of the best onscreen sex scenes of 2015! No, this is a year that saw far better sensual moments onscreen than anything Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey (THOSE NAMES! I still cannot with the hilarious fakeness of those character names) had to offer. It was a great year for film, and among so many amazing movies – you did read our best movies of 2015 list, right? – there were kisses and sex scenes that probably set you aflutter in the theater.
So, no more foreplay – here is the best of the best.
How often do we actually get a realistic sex scene in film? An honest losing-your-virginity moment? Rarely, but Brooklyn did that experience justice with its first encounter between the newly married Eilis (Saoirse Ronan) and Tony (Emory Cohen). They’ve kissed before then, they’ve seen each other in bathing suits at the beach, but this is the first night together, and it’s fumbling and awkward and passionate and excited. It’s over faster than you would expect, but there’s realism in that, and in how Eilis and Tony hold each other afterward, and kiss each other goodbye the next morning as she returns to Ireland for her sister’s funeral. That is some real, people-falling-in-love shit, and it worked beautifully with the rest of the film’s frankness about growing up.
Adonis (Michael B. Jordan) and Bianca (Tessa Thompson) don’t get off on the right foot in Creed. But after a couple of dates, after shared cheesesteaks and discussing their dreams and plans for the future, the two start falling for each other. And there’s an intimacy in how they act around each other that underlines Adonis’s admission that he feels like he’s known her his whole life – it’s evident in their first kiss onscreen, laying on the floor together, looking into each other’s eyes, inching closer together until their lips finally meet. It’s a great, true moment, one that fills you with fuzzies and joy and hope about what they could become together. The film has an OK PG-13 sex scene later on, but it’s that first kiss – relatively tame, but emotionally fueled – that resonates.
3. THE LONGEST RIDE
The pure-man-candy portion of this list begins with The Longest Ride, which was not a particularly good movie – I mean, it was Nicholas Sparks and it wasn’t The Notebook, so I’m not telling you anything you don’t know already – but which had the shockingly attractive Scott Eastwood. This movie worships Eastwood, and it shoots him like a god – bathing him in golden light practically all the time, lingering on his physique, and making him look as hella attractive as possible. Eastwood has never looked this good, and those shower sex scenes with Britt Robertson have this frenzied passion that really sells their unlikely romance. I mean, he’s a cowboy and she likes art! HOW WILL THEY EVER MAKE IT? (Maybe they’ll just have a lot of sex to work through it. That’s kind of the only appeal of Eastwood in this movie, honestly. THAT CHEST.)
2. THE MAN FROM UNCLE
The Man from UNCLE flopped this summer, which is a bummer; it was my most underrated movie of the year. Practically no one saw Guy Ritchie’s extremely stylish and fun spy movie, which means that they missed the hilariously weird, impressively effective seduction scene between Armie Hammer and Alicia Vikander. He’s a Russian spy bordering on crazy; she’s the daughter of a Nazi scientist he’s tasked with protecting; their height difference is like two solid feet. But there’s this scene where they start out dancing, and then that devolves into a fistfight, and eventually they’re wrestling on the floor and there’s more sexual tension in the air than in practically any other movie this year. By the time they’re leaning in for a kiss, you want with EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING for their extremely mismatched body sizes to get it on! And then, because Ritchie is a jerk, he veers the scene in a different direction and the smooth never happens. But the potential for what could have been is strong – it’s an undercurrent of sexuality that keeps The Man from UNCLE on its toes.
1. MAGIC MIKE XXL
I’m sorry, did you really think this list wasn’t going to include Big Dick Richie’s “I Want It That Way” dance? Because THAT HAPPENED, and it was the best sexy thing to happen onscreen this year.
Women died of thirst in the theater, and then were revived when they remembered Channing Tatum was the star of this movie, and then were given new life goals when Jada Pinkett Smith appeared onscreen. Magic Mike XXL underperformed in comparison with its predecessor, but may it have a long and healthy life on home video. Big Dick Richie didn’t do all this work for nothing.
And just in case you wanted to remember the worst of the year:
3. JUPITER ASCENDING
Yup, one Channing Tatum movie led the best of the year, and one appears on the worst. Because that love story between him and Mila Kunis? Yuck. Their chemistry was off, the whole thing was weird, and that Kunis line “I’ve always loved dogs” was just gross. Jupiter Ascending wasn’t as awful as people say, but the ultra-forced love story was certainly its worst part.
Did you forget that in this movie, Josh Gad’s character has sex with an alien that looks like Q*Bert, because it can also transform itself into looking like Ashley Benson, who he wanted to capture earlier in the movie as a “trophy”? Because I will never forget that, and it is goddamn disgusting.
1. THE COBBLERIn this hellscape of a movie, Adam Sandler plays a pathetic Jewish guy who has a magical stitching machine that lets him turn into the person whose shoes he puts on. So he puts on the shoes of minority men, turns into them, and then has sex with unsuspecting women.
Let that sink in! It is the absolute worst of 2015.