Batshit in Bon Temps: “True Blood” recap of episode “At Last”

So, we all knew this was coming, right? That hunky Ben would be Warlow. My fellow PDC-ers Julian Lytle and Travis Hopson called that during our weekly Blog Talk Radio show yesterday, and I’m simultaneously pleased and disappointed that they guessed right. It’s upsetting, I think, because we’re only four episodes into this season and it seems like things are moving way, way too quickly. But at the same time, since we’re on a faster schedule this season, with only 10 episodes instead of the typical 12, I understand the decision to progress things rapidly. This was just … really, really rapid, no?

And it’s not just the Sookie/Warlow storyline that seems ratcheted up; so is the extremely fucking random romance between Sam and Nicole, as well as Bill and Jessica’s treatment of Andy’s four half-faerie daughters, who may already be dead. Guys, this show. THIS SHOW. It boggles the mind.

For the five “Oh fuck, of course!” moments from last night’s episode, click through! (And, yes, SPOILERS AHEAD!)

1. So, let’s start with the biggest revelation: That Ben is Warlow, a half-vampire, half-faerie hybrid who walks around in the daylight, banishes Grandpa Niall into the portal from which Warlow himself escaped, and glamours Jason into helping him. Sookie, however, figures out that Ben is Warlow on her own after realizing that Ben gave Jason vampire blood in her living room, and plans a sexy trap for him, including lingerie, candles, “At Last” on the record player, and a ball of faerie force aimed right at Warlow’s head. Way to man up, Sookie! Other effects of this storyline: Nora, who was lurking around Sookie’s house because she wants Warlow to kill Lilith, or basically Bill, gets captured by the Guv’s forces; Jason is having sexy dreams about Ben/Warlow because he’s had his blood and hilariously asks Grandpa Niall about it (“Even though you’re a faerie, you’re a straight kind of faerie, right? … You ever had a dream that ain’t so straight?”); and Ben/Warlow can sustain silver (since nothing happens to him when he eats the food Sookie cooked that is covered in the stuff) and has a British accent, which sounds just as fake as his Southern accent. I just can’t with this guy, and I wonder at his line to Sookie, “Everyone wants to be understood, right?” Is that just some cheese to get her into bed? Or is he actually going to pull a sensitive vampire act? Is it wrong that I want this season’s Big Bad to already be dealt with? Blergh. So disappointed with how this played out.

2. And other big shit is going down in the Eric Northman front, since he turns Willa Burrell into a vampire, only the second he’s made in his lifetime (Pam, of course, is the first). She thinks her new life is going to be full of law-breaking and sex-having (to be fair, I’m sure most women would look at Eric Northman and be hoping for some sex, too, even if you’re both covered in dirt and blood), but Eric sends her back to her father to force him to understand that “we were all once human.” Naturally, Willa is kind of pissed, not only because she is now a forever-virgin (“pretty much,” at least) but especially since when she reaches her father, she learns he’s having an affair with Sarah Newlin (ugh) and is then shot by Sarah, who convinces the Guv to send her to his vampire Holocaust camp. And, like the Sookie/Warlow storyline, this one had some other effects—mainly that Pam has been captured, too, which means that Eric and Tara will probably have to work together to get her back. (Ginger has also been captured, in a great moment that led the Guv to call Eric a “peckerwood”). But, does Willa’s turning mean she is joining their crew? Or do we think her character will be killed off by season’s end? I could probably see it going either way, but no one can be more annoying than Nora, right? The. Worst.

3. Whoops, Jessica may have killed Andy’s daughters! After the tween girls become full-grown teenagers in a span of about three seconds, they decide to go on a joy ride in daddy Andy’s cop car, leading them to a liquor store where they get lured away by Jessica and Bill. Although the girls call out vampire Jessica on how she smells “kinda funny,” her dumb act wins them over (“I have tons of faerie friends. Just think of me as a regular girl, looking for a party”) and they agree to go over to Bill’s. Little do they know, though, that he’s not going to have sex with them (even though one of the girls amateurishly coos, “I think history’s really sexy”) but is instead harvesting their blood after kidnapping that professor from last episode to synthesize the stuff. The only glitch? That faerie blood disintegrates at an abnormally fast rate, making it nearly impossible to duplicate. Oh, and Jessica ATE ALL THE HALF-FAERIES after they tried to leave, which certainly will not please Bill. But it seems like Andy, after Jason notes that “faeries are like catnip to vampires,” might be putting together who kidnapped his girls. And I doubt, even though he hasn’t named his girls yet, that he’s going to be jazzed to learn they might be dead. I just have this inkling. 

4. Meh, Sam. Basically Sam is on the run, he takes Emma and Nicole with him, I think he sends Lafayette off (rude!), and then for some reason—even though it’s only been, what, four days since Luna died, and he’s known Nicole all of five minutes?, and Nicole just saw her boyfriend get eaten by werewolves?—the two of them are making out on a hotel bed. Because, THIS SHOW. “I still see Luna, I try to block it out, but at the same time, I don’t want to let her go”—thanks for your feelings, Sam. The feelings you’ve had for like, a week, tops. Also, I can’t help feeling that Sam is, what, 20 years older than Nicole? Probably. Blergh, sigh, ugh. (AND WHO IS WATCHING MERLOTTE’S?)

5. Oh, and finally, Alcide is still an asshole. In case you were wondering. His only real line this week is to growl at Rikki, “Who is your pack master?” Also, how much is this show paying Robert Patrick to just stand in the background of scenes, growing his beard and looking like a hobo redneck? These werewolves are boring as hell.

+ And, really quickly, some of my favorite lines and stray thoughts:

+ Am I overthinking Eric tackling Tara and choking her on the floor to make him abide by him as having weird, racial overtones? Or are these just sexual overtones? I mean, everything Eric Northman does has sexual overtones. But I think you guys know what I’m trying to say.

+ Anyone else totally on Terry’s side when he wants to throw his four half-faerie nieces out of the house when they gloat about knowing his secret of killing Patrick? Their giggles over “You’re a killer!” were pretty dickish. I appreciate Andy’s growing affection for his daughters (“Somebody’s gotta look after you, and that somebody turned out to be me”), but part of me doesn’t mind that they may be dead, since they’re terrible. Also, you know if the show had enough money to do it, they would probably pay to have the girls rocking out to a Taylor Swift song or something to further prove their awfulness. But I don’t even think True Blood has that kind of bankroll.

+ I love the werewolves’ description of Nicole: “the girl with the crazy hair.” Yup. Apt. Crazy VOLUMINOUS and BEAUTIFUL. I also enjoyed her reaction face to seeing Sam shift into a horse—her “Shit!” was fairly accurate, I’d say.

+ Also a great one-word delivery: Sookie’s “Motherfucker!” when she realizes who Ben really is. These vampires, Sook. They just want to suck your blood.

+ Oh, and finally: Jason doing pull-ups on Sookie’s door? Um, yes. So much yes. EVERY YES IN THE WORLD.