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12/19/2012

2012’s Top 10 Romantic Things in Film, from Blockbusters to Busts


OK, to be honest, this list isn’t all romantic. It’s pretty lustful. But I thought people would be turned off by a list called “Top 10 Best Kisses/Nudity/Loving Stuff.” That seemed like a mouthful. (That’s not a lewd joke; you’re disgusting.)


So, read on! Enjoy the things in 2012 film that tugged at my heartstrings the most! Some of these are dirtier than others, but they’re all touching … in that, some of them involve people touching other people. I think that still counts.

No. 11: Hope Springs: Get it, old people! Oral sex in movie theaters. Do your thing.

No. 10: The Avengers: Because Scarlett Johansson is insufferable but Jeremy Renner makes everything better. Clint Barton and Natasha Romanoff, partners 4evr. WHAT HAPPENED IN BUDAPEST, YOU GUYS?

No. 9: Haywire: Because Gina Carano is a straight-up badass, and any woman who is that sure in her sexuality—putting her hand on Channing Tatum’s belt buckle, whaaatt?!—deserves respect.

No. 8: Cloud Atlas: Because Jim Sturgess is beautiful, looks weirdly good in Koreanface, and helps Sonmi-451 lead a world-changing uprising. Through having steamy, sexy sex with her. Way to inspire a revolution, dude.

No. 7: Beauty and the Beast 3D: Because this “tale as old as time” still makes me sob like a child. Chase after that true love, Beast! Kill Gaston if you have to! No one’s going to be mad at you!

No. 6: Pitch Perfect: Because Skylar Astin is adorable, even though he has that weird boy band name, and encouraging Anna Kendrick to understand the greatness of Simple Minds’ “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” makes him a keeper.

No. 5: John Carter: Because every movie Taylor Kitsch was in this year flopped, but his bangs and his abs are the stuff of Greek gods. Bounce back, Tim Riggins. Never turn down a memory.

No. 4: The Amazing Spider-Man: Because no couple onscreen is cuter than real-life main squeezes Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone. Those looks they give each other, the hesitant kisses, the possibilities of young love—the duo’s appealing nature (and, all the tragedy they deal with) makes this Spider-Man reboot better than anyone could have expected.

No. 3: Lawless: Because Jessica Chastain is beautiful, gorgeous, and ethereal, and I don’t care about this fake Hollywood controversy about her real age. Regardless of whether she's 30 or 35, she can crawl into my bed any time. I say this as a heterosexual woman. That is how jaw-droppingly, achingly captivating she is in this movie.

No. 2: Titanic 3D: Because Rose may not have a picture of Jack, but that motherfucker filled one huge hole in her heart. It’s the movie that made millions of girls fall in love with Leonardo DiCaprio, and I’m still carrying a torch for that guy now, years after, even though he’s kind of paunchy and only dates Victoria’s Secret models and is basically a douche. I’ll never let go, bro.
  
No. 1: Magic Mike: Because nothing this year was more panty-dropping than Channing Tatum and his performance during a little song by Ginuwine called “Pony.” No. Damn. Thing.






And, my worst moment:
 
No. 1: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2: Really, all Edward and Bella want to do now that she is finally a vampire is have a bunch of sex, but the movie DOESN’T SHOW THEM HAVING A BUNCH OF SEX? JUST AWKWARD FAKE NUDE SCENES AND ENTANGLED LEGS AFTERWARD? Worst PG-13 rating ever. I’ve seen Disney movies that were dirtier.