So...the 'Robocop' remake might suck? Worse than 'Total Recall'?
Scripts for upcoming movies get read early all of the time, and I rarely bother to comment when some other site gives their opinion. Mainly because most films change dramatically during the production process, leaving the original script meaningless, but also because they're just one person's opinion. However, in this case I feel it's worth it to at least present what Drew McWeeny over at Hitfix had to say about the script for Jose Padilha's remake of Robocop, because dude has gone absolutely batshit over it.
McWeeny took to Twitter and was basically live-tweeting his displeasure while reading through the draft, and my homie Brendon Connelly over at Bleeding Cool gathered them all up so you can see just how McWeeny's anger grew along the way. It's kinda funny....
I tried to read the “Robocop” remake, but 20 pages in my nose started bleeding and I forgot my name. #nobueno #reallynobueno
I will try this again once my blood pressure’s gone down. But, seriously, folks, “Robocop” was already perfect.
I’ll share this one detail. In the film, when Murphy is turned into Robocop 1.0, it’s described “a high-tech version of the ’80s suit.”
Then they show a focus group scene where criminals laugh at the design. “He looks like a toy from the ’80s!”
So they redesign him to look “meaner” as Robocop 2.0, who passes focus group approval.
So they not only make sure to include the original design, they also point out it’s dated and stupid. *facepalm*
Hold onto your sides for more hilarious “Robocop” details. They outsource his construction to China. #seriously
And we meet the ED-209s in the field in Iran, where they’re used to subdue suicide bombers. #ineedallthedrinksnow
hort version: this script makes my stomach hurt very, very badly.
Ahhh… now they just dropped Robocop 3.0 onto an Al Queda training camp to see what he does.
“He should be programmed to incapacitate in all scenarios.” “Agreed. Let’s keep him PG-13, Dr. Norton.” No. No. No. No.
By page 54, they are already onto Robocop 4.0, who looks like a “cop on steroids painted metallic blue.”
Oh, god… oh dear god… Robocop is a Transformer. He goes from “social mode” to “combat mode” and back. Full transformation.
I’m going to go stand in my backyard and scream at the moon for a while. My brain needs a shower.
Write it down. Page 55, the “Robocop” remake beat me. I’m done. I can’t hurt more than this.
Okay… the two “best” lines in the script. First up is at the unveiling ceremony for Robocop in Detroit, from a TV reporter covering it.
“I think it’s safe to say that Alex Murphy is now part man, part machine, ALL COP!” Yes, I too remember the original poster, asshat.
Second, after the traumatic first meeting with his father, Alex’s son retreats to the apartment of Lewis, Murphy’s male partner.
The scene ends with the action line “David sits, catatonic, looks at the TV — MGM REMAKE TBD.”
I feel like one of those little potato people staring directly into The Dark Crystal. And, yet, pages keep turning…
Good god… it just keeps topping itself. It’s like someone wrote a script scientifically fine-tuned to destroy me.
Someone shows Pope, head of the OCP project, some mock-ups for Robocop action figures. “Are you kidding? I wouldn’t buy that for a dollar!”
When this thing hits theaters, people are going to call up Len Wiseman’s “Total Recall” on the phone and apologize for being so mean.
I’ll say this: once the script stops all the winky-winky crap and just starts telling a story, it’s not terrible. But it’s way too late.
If you can get past Robocop The Transformer, there are some interesting action beats. And I’m sure Padilla will direct the hell out of it.
But overall? Ouch. Ouch. Ohpleasedon’t. Ouch. And a big side order of ouch.
Ok, maybe McWeeny was having a bad night, but I think he was way off on a lot of this. First of all, I don't think Robocop is a "Transformer" because he can switch from social mode to combat mode. Unless he switches to a friggin' helicopter with Airwolf cannons then I think he might be overstating things a little bit.
Also, most of this stuff doesn't sound all that terrible to me. What's the problem with Robocop being dropped into an Al Qaeda training camp? Sounds like a logical modernization to me. The same with the ED-209s stopping suicide bombers. The bit with the criminals "approving" Robocop's look is a little cheesy, but hardly worth writing the whole movie off over. To me, it sounds like a movie that will try to make fun of itself a little bit, and McWeeny doesn't really talk about how the action plays out. I still have the utmost confidence in Padilha, and to be perfectly honest, the cast is probably good enough to overcome any dents in the script. Joel Kinnaman, Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Abbie Cornish, Jay Baruchel, Hugh Laurie, Michael K. Williams, and Jennifer Ehle can solve a lot of problems. Robocop is expected to hit theaters on August 9th 2013.