Jonah Hex

There ya go, DC! That's the way to keep up with your crosstown rivals over at Marvel Studios. Not that I expected Jonah Hex to be Iron Man, but maybe Punisher Warzone? Can we get that at least? No? Then why even bother? This should've been left in the pages of DC's ultra violent comic series, and spared us the misfortune of having to see so many talented people waste away in this wild misfire.

Josh Brolin stars as the grunting, John Wayne-esque anti hero. We meet him early on as a soldier in the Civil War. Hex makes it pretty clear that he doesn't really care about any of the politics involved, but be that as it may he still fought for South. At some point he turns on his commanding officer, Quinton Turnbull(John Malkovich, chewing the scenery), for trying to kill a bunch of innocents. In the process, Turnbull's son(Jeffrey Dean Morgan!!) is killed. Quinton gets revenge by killing Hex's family and branding the hell out of his face. Hex walks the earth looking like somebody played a game of Operation with his mug.

Now Hex is basically a bounty hunter for hire. He's a lot like the A-Team in a sense. He's the last resort, specializing in taking on jobs with the longest of odds. He's not nearly as chatty or jokey. Hex lets his guns speak for him. Against his better wishes, Hex is compelled by the US government(led by an out of place Will Arnett) to stop Turnbull's latest scheme. He plans to blow up Washington DC using what appear to be dragonballs. I'm not kidding. I think those were dragonballs. I saw Dragon Ball: Evolution and those were definitely dragonballs. Cool. Two birds with one stone. Hex gets his revenge on Turnbull and saves the nation in the process.

Don't be deceived, in action the plot isn't nearly as identifiable as I just made it. It took a full night's sleep and a hearty breakfast to get it all sorted out in my head. At times I think screenwriters(and I use that term loosely) Neveldine and  Taylor decided that it was more fun to just eff with our heads and throw every single random concept they could think of into the pot whether it makes sense or not. Hex has the never before seen ability to literally talk to the dead, which is pretty much how he figures everything out. We're constantly hurled into some spirit world, where Hex and Turnbull seem to be fighting eachother, but since it's never explained I'm just spitballin' on that one. I think it has something to do with Native Americans, a fact which should have them protesting outside Warner Brothers studios instead of Redskins Stadium.

Josh Brolin is given little to make Hex a character worth giving a crap about. I don't blame him for the misery that is this film. Nor do I blame John Malkovich, who is always entertaining in movies he knows are awful. If we're asking ourselves "Why the heck is Makovich in this?", you can see it in his eyes that he's asking himself the same question. Megan Fox shows up for a hot second as a whore who has a soft spot for dudes with big chunks of their face missing. The most memorable thing about her is that I think somebody airbrushed her face. She's so glossy and shiny I thought I had accidentally stepped into Mannequin 3. That's still a damn sight better than poor Michael Fassbender. So good in so many movies over the last couple of years including Inglourious Basterds and Fish Tank, and now he's reduced to playing some knife wielding looney henchman. It's not just a step down, he skateboarded down the handrail. I'm convinced Jeffrey Dean Morgan was just fulfilling some WB contract they've been lording over his head.

It wouldn't be so bad if there was any action to speak of. This being a Western based off of a comic book, the last thing in the world it should be is boring. Yet I can't think of a single sequence worth mentioning. No wait, that's not true. The finale between Hex and Turnbull is memorable in that I have absolutely no clue what happened. There was an explosion I think. There were lots of explosions, though. Even in places that didn't have a lick of dynamite, stuff kept blowing up.

At roughly 80 minutes plus credits, Jonah Hex is mercifully short. It'll probably take you longer to stand in line at the concession stand behind the smarter folks who went to see  Toy Story 3. Don't be that guy. If this is the level of film DC is going to be putting out while we all wait for the next Batman, Marvel has nothing to worry about.